I often wonder, what makes people treat each other unkindly? Why can’t we practice kindness to one another? Well, it starts from within.
I wonder why has the Universe brought me this situation or this person?
Recently, I went to my favorite piano bar to sing. Anyone who knows me a little bit, knows I love to sing. It’s one of my passions. In walks the man I was formerly in relationship with, on a date. Keep in mind, we have not spoken since the relationship ceased to be. Anyone who knows me, also knows I LOVE to go there to sing. We were together for about 1 ½ years and he probably went with me 2 – 3x’s. I am really in shock. Old emotions and wounds are triggered.
At the same time in my life that this relationship ended, Trax, my kitty died and from my perspective, this person was not supportive of me. It’s interesting to me, the relationships in my life that end, when I no longer reach out. I also had work that I enjoyed that ended at the same time. You get it, a few endings. Ah, Life’s never-ending process.
It’s not that I had dreams of being with this man, but I was still in pain. This experience merely confirmed he was not the man I was to be with, not even my friend.
I am a sensitive woman and require a man that is capable of handling that. I feel my feelings fully. I am conscious and take responsibility for my experience, but need a man that can deal if I am feeling intensely.
I know there are NO coincidences. I was supposed to see that this is how he was all along, it was no surprise. The Universe clearly orchestrated this rendezvous in the piano bar, ultimately for my well-being, even though it didn’t feel that way at the time.
As if that wasn’t enough, the Universe gave me a double whammy! I had been dating someone new. Although, I no longer wanted to be with the man I was previously with, my heart was still tender, my emotions raw.
This new relationship was clearly different. I felt different. He was in a new league, thank God! I felt safe and at ease with him. My body actually physically relaxed when I was with him. That’s a good sign for me. His behavior had been consistent and he had been very sweet to me. A bit of a new concept for me really, that is, allowing myself to be treated kindly by a man.
At any rate, we had plans for Saturday and I never heard from him. Really, Universe? This was the night after I saw the man I was with formerly. It slammed me to the ground, kicked me when I was down. It took me to a deep, dark place inside of me. My wounds were brought to the surface. I was in so much pain. I lost my connection to God. I was angry at God. Why would you do this to me? Can you say Victim? But this is more than I believed I could handle.
There’s a part of me that knows that God, my Higher Power, the Universe, call it what you like, takes care of me, financially, in my work, but apparently not in my love relationships. I’m on my own, all alone. I didn’t believe God took care of me in my relationships. Why would the Universe orchestrate this event?
The grief I felt was overwhelming. I felt incapacitated, disconnected, alone in the world.
And yet, I do know and believe God takes care of me. So I’m searching for that nugget of light, that one place to anchor to – that the Universe orchestrated this for my highest good. That not all is lost and there is hope for me after all. I ask God, my consciousness, please help me to see this. I wanted to feel better, but didn’t. I couldn’t distract or numb myself. It was painful to sit with the grief I was feeling.
I was not in pain because this man didn’t call me. I was in pain because it triggered deep wounds of grief and loss within me. It was painful to be “alone” in this one, to not believe the Universe supported me here. It was painful to feel as though I was not worthy of a loving relationship with a man. Or that I don’t deserve a man’s time, love, and attention. All these wounds were revealed to me. At this time, the one that stood out the most was that I didn’t believe God takes care of me in a relationship with a man. Why would God take care of me every place else, yet abandon me here?
Maybe it isn’t that God abandoned me, but that I abandoned my connection to God. And perhaps in my pain, I am finding my connection to God and deepening it. After all, God hasn’t “gone” anywhere. God, my Higher Power is always present. I am finding God in my work, my finances, why not in my love relationships too?
I did my best to sit with this grief and pain and transform it. My first and most important relationship is with God and all else seems to fall in place. I just remind myself when I can’t take the pain, God can, and I ask for help. I know more will be revealed when I am ready. I know that as I make peace with the grief and sit with it, it too will be transformed and will deepen my connection to God.
Perhaps that is one of the gifts of these events that transpired. God’s with me in my intimate relationships, and I am more open and allowing. I no longer have to feel alone. I know, even painful situations manifest for my highest good. I know that no matter how situations look on the outside, all is in Divine order in the Universe.
I know the grief I am experiencing will pass and transform into light and deepen my connection to God. And I now know, even if it is only a glimmer of light that God take cares of me in my intimate relationship with men too. There is hope for me, and I am not alone.
By the way, I ended up hearing from the man I had been seeing. He too had an unexpected loss in his family. It’s funny how the Universe works. That story has ended, but I’m opened to new possibilities.
I may not be out of the woods, but I can see the light.