I believed that expressing what I thought and felt threatened my very survival. I’ve been holding onto that message. I’m still unraveling this message through current life experiences. I now see it’s the very thing that keeps me from thriving.
I don’t have memories associated with this, just feelings. It’s not safe to express myself. I’ll be ostracized, ridiculed, embarrassed, and told I am the problem. Keep quiet; it’s the only way to keep the peace. Speaking up is unsafe; I will be threatened. The funny thing is, I realize this message no longer serves, yet every time I express more of me, more of that message is revealed to me. It’s shown up in relationships with bullies and intimidators where I back down from what I truly believed to be my truth. Or, with people I thought were “better” than me. Either they had more experience or “knew” more than me. I discredited my thoughts, feelings, my voice, my truth and most of all, who I am. In conflict, I backed down and not only took responsibility for my part, but also for the part of the other involved.
Or, perhaps I felt a lie and spoke up about it. The other person twisted the story, and I allowed myself to be manipulated into their “story”. Doubting myself again and again is really damaging for my self esteem. But from these experiences, I learned “to shut up and keep quiet, don’t reveal the truth, it’s more important to keep the peace than how I feel.”
Now I know better and am still stepping into uncomfortable and awkward territory for myself. I express myself, even when it’s difficult and doesn’t always come out in the best way. I sit through the discomfort, I watch it, feel it, and talk about it with those I feel safe with, write about it, and eventually move into acceptance of it.
Each time I do that, more of true Maria is revealed and it becomes easier. I trust my feelings more, and it becomes what already is my natural state of expression, that is truly me, before all the programming and conditioning.
Who I am is important. What I say, feel and think matters. I am important and so are you.
It’s not been easy, and often awkward at first to speak my truth, expressing myself, which means being myself when I’ve been told or believed I was wrong, or I was the problem. Every time I sit and breathe through the discomfort, it is well worth it. I am worth it.
I am free – my natural state of being, just being myself – being who I truly am.Top