Kitty Trax was diagnosed with kidney disease on January 11, 2013 and he’s been going back and forth seeming like he’s getting better, than worse, than better, then worse. Until on February 23rd, he’s health seemingly began to decline more rapidly, he had been sick for some time.
It is with deep sadness in my heart that I share my beautiful kitty Trax has made his transition to kitty heaven this morning. It was a beautiful experience, one I will never forget. He died naturally at home. He was sleeping peacefully and then began to take his last breaths. We all knew it was time. I came to sit next to him and then Butters came to sit next to him too, our little family. Trax took his last breath and Butters looked up, as if he saw the angels taking Trax away. Butters sat there for a moment and then left, since he knew Trax was gone.
Trax was truly an incredible cat, one-of-a-kind. He was a bad ass kitty, goofy, funny, naughty, a shit starter, always making me laugh. He was loving and affectionate and he loved to be loved up. He loved people and was an excellent judge of character. If only I had listened to him about some of the relationships I chose, seems he knew better. He would sleep in bed with me, snuggled next to me with his head on my pillow. Some times I would wake up and have Trax under one arm and Butters under the other. How awesome is that? What lovable cats they both were/are and blessings in my life.
He and Butters would play, groom each other, snuggle and love each other up. They were the best of buds. Butters would always check where Trax was and look out for him when it was dinner time. Trax was the alpha kitty in the house and Butters was cool with that, they had an understanding.
Trax has helped me so much with the gift of unconditional love through some wonderful and truly some of the most challenging times of my life. He has taught me so much and in these past 2 months. Taking care of him and spending this most valuable time has changed my perspective on life in ways I can’t even begin to explain. I see the world differently and what is really important.
I will always hold him dearly in my heart. Butters and I will miss him tremendously. I love Trax more than words can convey. He has brought so much joy and happiness in my life. Thank you, kitty Trax for being my beautiful baby and such a blessing in my life. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Trax – born April 20, 2003 – March 5, 2013
I learned that holding back my voice and what I feel doesn’t help others, it hurts me. I learned that keeping secrets contributes to shame. I’ve learned that sharing and expressing myself in a safe place sets me free and empowers me. I’ve learned others don’t have to understand me. I’ve learned that what I say makes a difference. I’ve learned that sharing my experience from my heart, not making anyone wrong, touches and heals others. I’ve learned that I matter and it’s ok for me to speak up.
You see, these are all messages that became beliefs and patterns in my life. In these relationships with some of my “teachers”, I was too steeped in my dysfunction to see it. But as I continue my journey and my spiritual practice, more is revealed to me.
When I have stuck thoughts or memories about current or past experiences or relationships, it simply means there’s unresolved energy around it. So, I ask myself, what I learned from this or what am I learning from this. I’m aware of the experience, once I get the lesson, and I can move into acceptance and let it go. Knowing what I learned sets me free.
Why do I have the same experiences over and over again? Why do the same memories or thoughts come up? In my experience, it’s because I haven’t gotten what my higher power is teaching me, what is limiting my life and well being.
Once I get it, I accept it, I let go and I let God. It’s liberating. It’s only from that place of acceptance that I am genuinely in gratitude for all the challenging, painful experiences and relationships in my life. I am grateful for all my teachers. From that place, I am free.Top
I have grieved not expressing myself, hiding myself, holding back what I thought because I doubted myself. Through this powerful lesson, I became aware that I didn’t stand up for myself. I let myself be bullied, and in response I didn’t speak up. I kept myself hidden because I didn’t think I matter and deep down, thought I was wrong.
In my acceptance I gained my voice, my opinion, and I know I matter. I can confidently express myself. I learned how to stand up for myself, and to question what others may say to me as “truth”. I now know that when people try to intimidate or bully, they are usually trying to control through fear and are often covering their own insecurity. I don’t need to argue with someone or prove I’m right. I can walk away from a situation that no longer feels good, where I’m not being treated well. I now know from this powerful lesson that what I think, feel and believe matters. I am important and I do make a difference in the world.Top
I have grieved that I’m not as good as others, that I’ve been hard on myself and didn’t practice self-compassion with myself through tolerating harsh relationships. Through this powerful lesson, I stayed in relationships out of guilt or obligation. I felt I owed people and that I wasn’t as good as they were. I was less than others. I wasn’t kind to myself by the company I kept. I didn’t practice compassion or take care of myself.
In my acceptance, I gained the wisdom that WHEN I TAKE CARE OF MYSELF, I EXPERIENCE COMPASSION AND THE UNIVERSE SUPPORTS ME. I learned that I don’t have to be friends with everyone. I can let relationships go when they no longer feel good. I don’t have to agree with another person and I don’t have to defend or explain my beliefs. All perspectives are ok. When a person attempts to trigger me into awareness, that behavior is not loving, supportive or compassionate. True friends don’t gossip, expose your confidences, judge, belittle or manipulate. They love and accept me where I am. If they don’t, chances are they may not love or accept themselves, and it’s not my job to fix them or make them feel better.
I learned I want relationships with others who practice compassion. I realized that I already have many of those relationships in my life. I learned to be compassionate with myself for past choices I’ve made as I didn’t have the wisdom I now know I have. In fact, it was those relationships that taught me that wisdom. Love is unconditional acceptance and support of who, what and where I am. When I feel love, compassion and support, I know it’s safe to reveal my vulnerabilities (that which I haven’t processed yet). I learned how I feel isn’t wrong, it’s just where I am in the moment.Top
I have grieved through an inability to say no. I said yes when I didn’t even want to, built resentments and did so out of a sense of obligation, guilt and being manipulated. Through this I lost myself, time, money, esteem, friends and more. But through this painful lesson, “No” comes out of my mouth more easily.
In my acceptance, I learned how to say NO. This is very empowering and powerful. It’s ok for me to say no and I don’t have to explain why. I gained FREEDOM and EMPOWERMENT (and some money back too).Top
What I Learned from My Relationship “Teachers” Through Loss and Grief
I’m sharing some of my profound awakening arising from some of my relationships with my Life’s teachers. The process of grieving continues to reveal the losses I experienced in these relationships and what I’ve gained as a result of the loss.
Loss Series: What I learned through loss – I TRUST MYSELF
I have grieved not trusting myself and trusting others instead of myself, even when I knew better. I learned this powerful lesson through many choices I made trusting others over myself where I experienced loss of time, money, esteem, friends, career choices and more.
Through my acceptance of this powerful lesson now, I TRUST MYSELF. It’s not in my best interest to trust others over me in life decisions. I know what’s best for me, others may have good input and ideas, but ultimately, it’s up to me. Another person can’t know how I feel or where I’m coming from. Ultimately, I surrender only to my higher power, no longer to what others want for me. I am my own authority through my connection to my higher power. I trust my higher power’s will for my life.Top
I recently came across a woman in my life that’s an incredible listener. I shared my experience with her and she just listened. She didn’t tell me what I could do to “fix” myself.
I have to say, it was quite uncomfortable at first. I thought, “You mean you’re not going to tell me what to do? Or be distracted with your own thoughts?” I’ve been fortunate to have great friends and listeners in my life. However, this was a profound and powerful experience for me. I got to be who I truly was, uninterrupted. I was able to share my experience, thoughts, problems, hopes, dreams with someone sitting listening from a place of unconditional love, truly accepting me as I am. What an incredible mirror reflecting back that I’m ok as I am.
This isn’t about letting someone gossip, complain or dump their problems all over you. This is allowing someone to fully express their inner, deepest feelings and lovingly listen to them, allowing them to be exactly who they are.
Listening: Allowing a person to fully express themselves is one of the greatest gifts of unconditional love we can give another. Not trying to “fix” them or make them “feel” better, just letting them be ok, just as they are. This is true intimacy, letting others be exactly as they are. You’ll find people who will open up to you in profound ways. You’ll get to know them and yourself in ways you never thought possible.
I never realized what an amazing gift this was until I had someone truly listen to me in the way this woman did. Perhaps, next time when a person needs to share, just listen. And only when they’re ready and if they ask, can you too share your experience with them.
I can tell you from my own experience of listening to others – friends, loved ones, acquaintances, strangers or clients – when they open up, and when I listen, I will always hear something about me. I will learn something about me and in the process, we all heal together. We are all much more alike than we realize. Many of us share the same fears, doubts, grief, loss, hopes and dreams. It’s profound and deeply intimate to share this with another human being through consciously listening.
I encourage you to try this, give yourself and another unconditional love through the gift of conscious listening.Top
Life continues to teach us to accept what is, where we are, who we are and to surrender that which we have no control. The more I resist my emotions, experiences, what is happening, the more tension I have and the more life begins to seemingly spin out of control. When I can breathe, write about it, talk about it with others I feel safe with, watch it, I begin to accept what is happening and how I’m feeling. As soon as I accept, I relax into my body. Who I am and what I’m experiencing is okay. It truly has to be okay. So, why am I fighting it? The Universe has brought me this experience. It must matter. What am I learning from this? How is this revealing more of who I am? It is only through my awareness and acceptance of it that I am able to understand the greater meaning behind the experience.
But believe me, I know it’s not always that easy. I may be aware that I’m experiencing fear, and may even know why. But, what can I do about it? Ah yes, surrender. Surrender, again and again and again.
“How do I surrender”, you may be wondering?
Well, that’s the process really. I take many avenues to the same destination of surrender. Talk about it with those I feel truly safe with, someone who will listen (this is a subject for another blog). The idea of someone truly listening is that – I am ok just as I am, problems and all, there’s nothing to fix, and it’s the gift of unconditional love. I write about it, practice gratitude for the experience, meditate, watch it, breathe, exercise, go for a walk, convene with nature, do energy work, and surrender it to my higher power.
I talk to my consciousness and ask for help with the situation. I surrender it again and again and again. I find relief, and then the tension returns, I surrender again and again. You get the picture. I let my higher power handle it. How can I possibly know what’s for my highest good or how the bigger picture looks? My higher power has always had way better plans than my egoic self has had from a place of limitation, lack or survival. I surrender my experience and how I feel, and I watch the Universe deliver a solution in ways my egoic self never would have thought possible. The most amazing gift I receive from this process is peace of mind and I’m ok just as I am. Knowing I don’t have to figure it all out, and that I am not alone. I may be guided to take action or just sit with the experience and do nothing, surrendering to my higher power again and again. And when I forget, I do it all over again. I watch what seems to be magical and miraculous things unfold in my life. What I could have never orchestrated with all my will and small egoic self. I allow my consciousness to manage my Life.
I accept what is and who I am through the process of surrender to my higher power’s will for me. This is a practice, and I forget and I try to figure out, control a situation or my feelings. As soon as I remember, I become aware and conscious. I surrender again and relax into who I am. Knowing who I am and what I’m experiencing is ok right now. It’s the gift the Universe brought me.
How can I possibly know the bigger plans my consciousness has in store for me? I surrender and allow Life to unfold, little by little by little.Top
I was experiencing some past pain that revealed itself to me, some intense emotional conscious suffering. My abandonment wound was triggered. It didn’t take much to trigger at the time, since it was cracked open and ready for healing.
This sense of abandonment reoccurs. It feels like I go deep into the abyss, to places that have never allowed themselves to feel loved. It feels dark and scary, but the only way out is through and I can’t avoid it. (I could, but I choose to face it.)
So, I have to step into self care. What can I do? I journal about what I’m experiencing. I talk with others I feel safe with about my experience and feelings. I watch.
I am feeling better. Each time I face it, it becomes less intense and I become free. But still, deep intense emotional pain rises from old repressed trauma. At last, I lay down to meditate. I focus on my breath, breathing into my feelings, my body, allowing it to be ok. I am still feeling the emotional pain.
Finally, I hear the voice within me, my consciousness, as I surrender this pain and experience to my higher power. The voice says “Everything’s OK.” I sigh, I relax, this feels like truth. I am still feeling emotional pain, but with ease around it. I continue to breathe and focus on my breath, watching my pain body and ego softening. I hear the voice again, this time it says “Everything’s OK. It’s in God’s hands now.” God, spirit, higher power, source, call it what you will, I surrender my will to my higher power. I’d given the emotional pain up to a power greater than my egoic self to handle. Hurray!
All the trigger of the abandonment wound did was expose the emotional pain that was limiting me. When I allowed it to be ok, accepted it through my awareness, stopped resisting thinking “this is horrible, I shouldn’t be feeling this way”, I surrendered it to my higher power to handle.
At the time when I first experienced this trauma of abandonment it was too much for me to cope with. I am now in a place where it’s safe for this deep emotional pain to reveal itself. And only now, I have the tools, wisdom and consciousness to surrender. It’s not easy; it’s a practice, moment to moment. Consciously suffering, feeling the pain without letting it consume me, accepting it and surrendering it. I just keep remembering, “Everything’s OK. It’s in God’s hands now”. When I forget, I surrender again.Top
Often there are gifts and talents buried beneath our pain. Once I go through the emotional pain I’ve repressed – feel it, watch it, breathe into it – I discover so much of myself through this process. In fact, writing my blog, sharing my voice and experiences came from going into a deep pain within me. The deeper I go, the more I discover. It’s endless. Writing pours out of me and more gifts reveal themselves every day. I’m grateful for all the pain and my many “teachers” along the way.
“Teachers” show up in all sorts of packages. We learn about ourselves through our relationships. Teachers can show up simply as someone “rude” in the grocery store or as my kitty Trax misbehaving, or they can be deep and profound connections, either seemingly positive or negative.
Our families of origin are where we pattern much of our childhood conditioning from. Life offers us many great teachers from our families. My focus has always been on “fixing” relationships. . I realize it’s not about my family of origin; it’s about me and my childhood conditioning, and how those patterns are reflected back to me in my life now. Now, my focus is on being okay with me and the part I played in any experience I’ve had. While I deeply love my family, many great spiritual teachers have said something to the extent of…if you think you’re truly enlightened, spend a week with your family. Many old conditioned patterns become activated. It takes extreme focus to stay present at this time.
I’ve had several intense relationships in my life that mirrored patterns I experienced from my childhood conditioning. I believed money was something that shouldn’t be talked about. As a woman, I was “less than” and shouldn’t make as much money as a man. I should be subservient to a man. It’s not safe to express myself, my feelings and what I think, my opinion. What I want doesn’t matter. Love is conditional. Money is used as a means to control, manipulate and humiliate. I’m not okay, I’m the “problem” and many more. I don’t actually recall these messages being spoken out loud, they were underlying and I’ve carried them with me for some time. I’m continuously in the process of questioning and unraveling these messages through the work I do and my spiritual path.
I’ve often under earned for my skill level and qualifications. Or if I am paid well, I limit how often I am paid well. I’ve put myself last in many of my closest relationships, instead putting others first. I am last on the list.
I’ve had a handful of relationships, really intense, life changing relationships that I continue to work through. Those relationships taught me. As I go deeper within the repressed pain of them, lessons surface – ways in which I’ve been self destructive, ways I’ve limited myself, and ways I’ve practiced patterns of lack and deprivation. These “teachers” changed my life. I continue to go deeply into my pain and “darkness”; I continue to see more of who I am. What was too painful to remember or I didn’t know how to handle from my childhood conditioning showed up in these relationships.
In my process of recovery, I delight in discovering and allowing more of who I am each day. These relationships really showed me how I truly felt about myself through making visible the ways I allowed myself to be treated. They showed me my level of esteem and self worth, or lack of. I am no longer in these relationships, but am still healing from them little by little. I continuously go deeper within, discovering more of Maria and setting her free!
It’s intense…and completely empowering. I’ve become in a sense, fearless through this process. I am grateful for these “teachers” showing me my limitations so I can bring them into the light of my consciousness.
Thank you Universe for bringing me these “teachers”.Top